Wednesday, September 29, 2010


       I'm so frustrated. I hate that I've let this slip out of my hands. I should have known that if I took a couple days off that I would give up... So, when I stopped writing, I stopped working out too. I'm so sick of being this way! I have so much on my shoulders right now and I need to stop bitching about it and make a better effort! Change the things I can and not worry about the things that I can't. I want to find success in something. It seems like I'm notorious for stop just before the big ending... just before it becomes routine.

       My depression sneaks up on me, but not this time. I'm fully aware of it's presence. I need more. More of everything. I'm stuck in this rut and at times I feel like I'm on the outside looking in and can't seem to get a grasp. It's time for me to grab that bitch by the throat and make her do what I want!
       I'm giving myself one week at a time, starting today! When next week gets here, I'll push 7 more days and keep going until I've reached what I want. I'm considering going back to school, but I'm terrified that I won't complete it. I have people that say they support me, but to be honest, I feel like most of them are just saying it. So, I need to be my own support. My own motivation. It's time to stop being co-dependent. At the end of the day, I'm the only person I can change..... Hang in there, bitches. I'll find myself somewhere in here.
On Your Mark... Get Set... Go!

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Kate I. Gosselin Strikes Again!

       Here's my attempt at pulling a John C. Mayer like Aunt Becky from Mommy Wants Vodka (I know, I mention her a lot). I know we all have our opinions about Kate I. Gosselin (it's Irene in case you were wondering). If you don't know who I'm talking about, think "Jon & Kate Plus 8" and that should help you. Some people love Kate I. Gosselin and give her praise for having eight children. Some of us actually realize that Kate I. Gosselin is insane. I swear, Kate I. Gosselin comes from another planet! Kate I. Gosselin is just so... so bitchy. How in the hell can you expect things to be perfect with eight children, Kate I. Gosselin? Although, on the other hand, I would probably be a nutcase with eight adorable children and one douchey husband. That's one divorce that needed to happen. I used to have your back, Kate I. Gosselin, but then you started to piss me off! Now, I just don't like you.
       At first, I got it. I understood what made Kate I. Gosselin that way. I connected with her family and actually felt compassion for Kate I. Gosselin. Then, after a couple episodes, I snapped out of it. The kids were still cute, but I began to feel sorry them. I found myself actually taking Jon Gosselin's side, but don't worry kids, that was only for a second too.
       Although, you have to hand it to Kate I. Gosselin. She somehow managed to get paid to have kids (kind of like Octomom) and then convinced "her boss" to pay for a tummy tuck. I'm so tired of hearing everyone say how great Kate I. Gosselin looks. First off, I'm glad that Kate I. Gosselin finally ditched that reverse mullet bullshit, but seriously? What's going on with the hair extensions? I think it makes her look even more manly. At least most of the time.
       I love how she claims that everything Kate I. Gosselin does that it's for the kids. Yet, when it comes down to it, I think that only reason Kate I. Gosselin ever takes the kids anywhere is just so the paparazzi can take a few photos. Also, it looks good on TV. I can't stand Kate I. Gosselin's voice either. I just thought I would throw that in there. I honestly feel sorry for Kate I. Gosselin's kids and Jon Gosselin doesn't help my feel any better. While we're on the subject, when will Jon Gosselin realize that he's not attractive? Now, of course Kate I. Gosselin will avoid going broke because Kate I. Gosselin has a network willing to air a TV show... and there are people willing to watch it.

       So, if you ever wonder where that other sock went, or why your silverware is disappearing, it's Kate I. Gosselin on the strike again! Kate I. Gosselin is an alien and only Kate I. Gosselin knows where the Mayans really went. Kate I. Gosselin is doing nothing but making her kids miserable. Kate I. Gosselin is a species in her own. Kate I. Gosselin should have a hurricane named after her. If you ever want to know how to get anything for free, just ask Kate I. Gosselin. If you suffer from OCD, just know that you're not as bad as Kate I. Gosselin.

I think I'm done.

I hope that Kate I. Gosselin doesn't sneak into my room at night and curse me.....

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

How Long Will This Last?

        I have a passion for photography... I've been in love with it for so long. Within the last couple years, I decided it's what I wanted to do with my life. Luckily, I found a job at a retail studio and worked there for about 2 years. I was recently laid off from there... So, I figured I would be fine with making money by myself. At first, I was just busy enough to make more money than what I was making the last few months at the studio, without even really giving it any effort. Honestly, I thought that once I started giving it more time that business would be booming. Wow, was I wrong!?        I have went from having decent business to absolutely nothing! Here's what pisses me off, photographers that are taking shitty photos seem to be having one session after another! I also have a couple friends that are great photographers who seem to be paying their bills too... but here I am, running great deals (not really making a profit) and putting myself out there to get shit on. I have so many people contacting me and then we'll message back and forth a few times.... then they drop off the face of the Earth. I'm so fucking sick of this. What in the hell am I doing wrong? By no means am I saying that I'm a perfect photographer (there's still a lot that I need to learn), but I'm good at what I do and I connect to people. There are so many people that comment on my work, yet when it comes down to it, I'm not making shit!
       I'm not going to lie, this makes me want to give up so bad! I love what I do and I really want to make a living at this. I keep trying to have patience, but I'm sick of my tires being stuck in the mud! Am I not determined enough? I'm going to try posting on my websites. People just don't realize that not just anyone can be a photographer. It also irritates me when people expect it for free. It's completely different if I offer to do it for free.... but, when someone contacts me and tells me they want a family session and I tell them it's going to cost $150+, apparently they don't understand what all goes into that. For all of you that are unaware, let me explain a little bit:

Simply put, you're not just paying for the actual photograph, you're paying for time and expertise. First, let's look at the actual time involved. If you don't read this entire page, at least read this first part.

For a two hour portrait session:
- one hour of travel to and from the session
- two hours of shooting
- 30 minutes of setup, preparation, talking to the client etc.
- 30 minutes to load the photos onto a computer (2 - 4 Gb of data)
- 30 minutes to back up the files on an external drive
- 3 - 4 hours of Photoshop time including cropping, contrast, color, sharpening, saving a copy for print and a copy for the internet and backing up the edited photographs
- 2 - 3 hours to talk to the client, answer questions, receive their order and payment, order their prints, receive and verify prints, package prints, schedule shipment and drop package off at Fed Ex.
- For local customers, we also print a set of all of their photos, and meet them at our studio to review the photos and place their order. Meeting and travel time averages 2 hours.
You can see how one two hour session easily turns into more than ten hours of work from start to finish. So when you see a Photographer charging a $200 session fee for a two hour photo shoot, you are not paying them $100 / hour.

For an eight hour wedding:
- I won't bore you with the details, but an eight hour wedding typically amounts to at least two to three full 40 hour work weeks worth of time. Again, if they are charging you $4,000 for an eight hour wedding, you are not paying them $500 / hour.

Now for the expertise!

Shooting professional photography is a skill, acquired through years of experience. Even though a quality camera now costs under $2,000 taking professional portraits involves much more than a nice camera.

Most Professional Photographers take years to go from buying their first decent camera to making money with their photography. In addition to learning how to use the camera itself, there is a mountain of other equipment involved, as well as numerous software programs used to edit and print photographs, run a website etc.

And let's not forget that you actually have to have people skills, be able to communicate, make people comfortable in front of the camera - and posing people to make them look their best in a photograph is a skill all by itself.

Think of it this way - the next time you pay $X to get your hair done, a pair of scissors only costs $1.50. But you gladly pay a lot more to hire a Professional.

What about the cheap studios at the mall?

Please don't compare us to the chain store studios. But if you must, consider all of the time and work that we put into our photographs, compared to what they do. Good luck getting a two hour photo shoot at a chain store. Not to mention they won't come to the beach! And of course, look at our work compared to theirs. You get what you pay for.

The truth is, most of the mall and chain store studios lose money. In fact, in 2007 Wal-Mart closed 500 of their portrait studios because of the financial drain they were putting on the company. What the chain stores bet on is that you'll come in for some quick and cheap photos, and while you're there, you'll also spend $200 on other things. They don't have to make money, they are just there to get you in the door. So, next time you book with a professional photographer, keep all of this in mind. 

       I guess I'm just highly frustrated and I'm tired of waiting on my break. I could probably write a novel off of just this one irritation, but at least it feels a little better to vent for a minute. Alright, I think I'm done.... for now.

Oh... I lost 3 pounds this weekend.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Never Forget

       Ten years ago, this country was forever changed. I'll never forget the day. I was working at a company, back in the warehouse. Around 8:30 in the morning, I went in the break room to grab something to drink. As I sat there watching TV, I had no idea what I was about to witness. I saw the first plane crash into the World Trade Center's North Tower at 8:46. My heart stopped. From the first instant, I knew something wasn't right. I didn't think it was an accident. Minutes later, at 9:03, I saw the second plane coming and immediately lost it as it struck the South Tower. Then, the Pentagon at 9:37... Last, another plane crashed at 10:03 in a field... and it was over... for now.
       When the towers started to collapse, I called a friend that I knew in New York City. Last I had heard, he worked about a block away. The phone calls wouldn't go through. At this point, the break room was full of co-workers staring at the screen... Most of us were speechless. It was an emotion I had never experienced before.... As we all watched hundreds of people jumping from the top floors, I was at a complete loss. Knowing that those people had no other options. The terror that they were going through brought many people around me to tears.
       The rest of the day was a blur. We kept hearing more reports of other planes being hijacked... more people dying. Anger, fear, devastation and panic ran through my veins as I thought of how this would impact everyone. I wanted to get in my car and drive up there. Help in anyway I could. At one point, people thought every major city would be attacked. I was scared to go anywhere. I had a 10 month old at home, and I just wanted to go hold him and not let go.
       Nearly 3,000 people were lost that day... and only the 19 hijackers from al-Qaeda deserved that fate. As I sit here and write this, I am furious! More than 90 countries were represented in the deaths. People from all over the world were affected... The United States wanted justice and we wanted it bad! Now, 10 years later, the war is still going on... In my personal opinion, we should have went over there, found everyone involved, brought there heads back to the US and put them on posts in front of the White House. It pisses me off that we've lost so many soldiers in these past 10 years. Now, we're trying to help the same country that fucked us!? Why don't we worry about holding our own country together! I feel like if I get started on my thoughts with that it mat get too heated... so I'll leave you with this: We will never forget what was done to us and I hope that it never happens again, but let's be honest... you never know if it will or not... I feel for the families that lost loved ones in this attack... may they rest in peace....

Friday, September 10, 2010

Version 2.0

I'm back! It's been a stressful/emotional couple of weeks. I lost my grandfather to cancer last week, although he isn't suffering anymore, it was still hard to let him go. I've also been trying to find a full time job and that search is really starting to piss me off. It seems like the only way you can get a job these days is to know someone. Then it seems like the people that aren't trying to get a job, walk in and get hired. Maybe I need to move?

Also, I think I took on too much. I started a weight-loss/life change, 2 blogs and job search at the same time. Some health issues also started up in the middle of all that. So, now that I've taken a step back, I'm ready to jump back in and do this! Screw what everyone else says, I'm doing this for me! So, are version 2.0 starts off I hope that you continue to follow. This blog is going to be all about bitching, griping, complaining and getting shit off my chest... I'm pretty sure there will be some laughing, happiness and crying somewhere in there too. So, I think I just set my own fate with that previous statement and most likely will not have any straight men following this blog. Oops.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Give Us The Cure!

I just wanted to update everyone. I have unfortunately had a death in the family. It makes working out the least of my worries. I have a feeling this blog is about to get a little more depth to it. I'm going to use this as more than weight loss and the frustrations with it. I want this to be my outlet.

       Yesterday, I lost my grandfather to cancer. I've spent the last several months preparing for it, emotionally... Last night, I sat and cried. I had tears streaming down my face. To be honest, I thought I had already past that point after I cried when he was first diagnosed a year ago... but I was wrong. I spent my childhood Summer vacations with this man, so I have so many memories to hold onto. That doesn't make this any easier.
       I hate death and I never handle it well. I have issues with saying goodbye. I know they end up in a better place of peace and the suffering ends, but good people don't deserve to die that way. It breaks my heart. I can't believe that there's not a cure (or at least "they" claim there isn't). You mean to tell me that we can clone animals, but we can't cure disease? I'm at a loss for words... I'm thankful that he's no longer in pain or suffering. I'm going to miss him....

Sunday, August 29, 2010

I'm Not Alone...

       Finally! I had someone write me a private message with some advice and they shared that they have been struggling with some thyroid problems. At last, I don't feel alone! It really helps when people open up. Like I've said, the reason I'm writing these blogs is to allow me to be vulnerable to someone that may need my help. Right now, there is someone reading this that also feels alone. Sometimes, that's all it takes. Just to know someone is listening, reading and understanding. Until I got that message, I was on the verge of giving up this entire thing. Now, I have new-found inspiration.

       I hope they are reading this now and knowing that they did inspire me. They took me from feeling like I was in a dark room by myself, to now, at least there's a light. I believe that there's a reason for everything. I'm hoping that a year from now I can look back on all of this and be in a better place with myself. It's hard to sit and write all of this and know that there's a possibility of getting criticized. But! There's also a possibility that I will touch someones life.

       Until I find out what's going on with my body, I'm scared to do hard workouts. What if I am pregnant? I could be getting my heart rate up too high. Right? I mean, I know you can workout while pregnant, but I don't think you're supposed to do hardcore cardio. If it's my thyroid, I wonder if that affects the way I should workout too. Grr! So many questions. I guess I'll figure it all out one day at a time. If you have any answers to these questions and don't want to post them in the comments section, you can always email me: Also, if you have any questions, I will do my hardest to find an answer for you if I don't already have one. If I start getting enough questions, I'll make a Q&A blog once a week/month/whatever. To all of you that are reading and responding, I can't thank you enough!