I'm Not Alone...

       Finally! I had someone write me a private message with some advice and they shared that they have been struggling with some thyroid problems. At last, I don't feel alone! It really helps when people open up. Like I've said, the reason I'm writing these blogs is to allow me to be vulnerable to someone that may need my help. Right now, there is someone reading this that also feels alone. Sometimes, that's all it takes. Just to know someone is listening, reading and understanding. Until I got that message, I was on the verge of giving up this entire thing. Now, I have new-found inspiration.

       I hope they are reading this now and knowing that they did inspire me. They took me from feeling like I was in a dark room by myself, to now, at least there's a light. I believe that there's a reason for everything. I'm hoping that a year from now I can look back on all of this and be in a better place with myself. It's hard to sit and write all of this and know that there's a possibility of getting criticized. But! There's also a possibility that I will touch someones life.

       Until I find out what's going on with my body, I'm scared to do hard workouts. What if I am pregnant? I could be getting my heart rate up too high. Right? I mean, I know you can workout while pregnant, but I don't think you're supposed to do hardcore cardio. If it's my thyroid, I wonder if that affects the way I should workout too. Grr! So many questions. I guess I'll figure it all out one day at a time. If you have any answers to these questions and don't want to post them in the comments section, you can always email me: blogyourassoff@yahoo.com. Also, if you have any questions, I will do my hardest to find an answer for you if I don't already have one. If I start getting enough questions, I'll make a Q&A blog once a week/month/whatever. To all of you that are reading and responding, I can't thank you enough!

I Am Human.

Frankly, I'm tired of people trying to put me down. If you want to get down to the nitty-gritty, I can bring out some true blue emotion and not hold shit back. Would you like for me to sit here and call all of you out? I'm sick of people thinking they fucking know me. Well, let me inform you of something, just because we are Facebook connected or that you read my blogs, that doesn't mean you know a damn thing about me. Let's get that straight.

With that aside, I thought this was supposed to get easier as time went on, not harder. I thought the miles were supposed to get shorter, muscles get stronger and that the body was supposed to adapt. Maybe I'm doing something wrong? I've spent the last few days alternating between walking and weights... I feel like if I take a day of I'll mess me up and I won't feel like starting the next day. I've also noticed myself forgetting to eat again. It's nothing I'm doing on purpose, I just go through phases of not having an appetite. Why is that? I'm sorry if I seem to be repeating myself. I feel exhausted... in all aspects of the word.

It sucks when I'm having days like this. My back hurts so bad I just want to sit around and cry. I don't feel like doing anything other than sitting on the couch. I know I'll find the motivation at some point, but that doesn't mean I want to do anything fucking thing. I'm hoping that once I start doing something, I'll be able to go for a minute. Maybe I'll come back and write more when I'm in a better mood....

Cupcakes, Thyroids, Reality TV and You!

If anyone knows of a healthy way to make cupcakes, please let me know. I've been having the desire to bake. No really to eat them, but just to do it. I enjoy cooking (thanks, Mom) and I love to see people enjoy what I fix. I love to make new things. Lately, I've seen a few shows about creating unique baked goods... it makes me want to do it. The down side being that those things are typically unhealthy. So, who knows? Maybe I can find a way to change that. I'll keep you updated!

So, the past two days, I've tried to workout, but being on the run all day makes it hard. I've spent the last couple of days with beautiful babies, so that's my excuse. Also, since starting this whole thing, I've been concerned with some health issues. I plan on going and have some blood work done to see if I have a jacked up thyroid. If I do, that could explain why I'm not losing weight like I should. Does anyone have thyroid issues? I'm having all of the symptoms. I've maintained the same weight for over a year.... and now that I decide to get up and do something about it, I'm not losing anything, and I thinking I'm actually gaining. I'm not building much muscle, so I don't think the gain is due to the fact that muscle weighs more than fat. I hate the fact that this entire process is becoming very irritating for me. The only other thing I can figure is that I'm knocked up (a test this weekend will tell me that). Don't get me wrong, I definitely want to have more kids. I would love to be in shape before that happens though. (We'll touch more on the "tiny spawn syndrome" later).

I am very fortunate to be building a bigger support group. I have some great friends that are on this journey with me and I love them for that. It would be fantastic if I could start my own reality show and call it "The Fat Girls Club" (and if you still my idea, I will fork your eye out!). Some of them are also blogging with me (writing 365 letters). I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'm scared that I'm going to lose people that I love dearly (sooner than I should) because of health problems... Some are easy to fix and avoid. These people have no idea how much I love them and I want them to live a full and happy life. I'm not going to list any names because if those people read this blog, they'll know I'm talking about them.

Someone... somewhere... has to start this movement. The younger generations need to influence the older ones and the ones after us! If I can motivate my parents while teaching my son, then maybe this can spread like wild fire... or chicken pox, whatever. The hardest part is that I cannot do this alone. It won't make a difference. WE have to do it as a whole. Yes, I'm talking to you. If you have the time to sit and read this, you have the time to make a healthy choice for dinner... lunch... breakfast. Parents, if you have a child that hates veggies, find a way to gradually mix them in and teach them to love them. Children, if your parents think they're "beyond" getting healthy, show them that they aren't! Take baby steps. No one said you had to get off the couch right now and run a mile. No one said you had to stop eating your pizza, candy and hamburgers right now. Start off with once or twice a week... then move to three... then four... and you aren't a dumbass, you can figure it out from there. If you only have five minutes out of the day to exercise, then get up and do it. Even if it's just walking around the outside of your house one time, it's still better than just sitting there watching TV.

Look at it like this: It's the "Better Than What I Was Doing" diet (I hate that word. Diets are temporary.) Let's call it the "BTWWD" change! Hypothetically, let's say you eat out four times a week. Next week, only eat out three times and on that fourth night, have a salad instead. Instead of just sitting there watching TV, get up and down off the couch five times during commercial breaks. It's as simple as that. I know, I know... easier said than done. It's been a long day and you want to relax. I get it. I really do. We're talking about saving your life. Besides, with getting healthy, you have more energy so that you won't feel as shitty every day. I feel like I'm talking out of my ass when it comes to some of this.... With some people, I'm sure you're just reading my blogs just to have something to do... Maybe you're a friend of mine... maybe you're just bored... But! I know that there's one person out there that needs to hear this. I may not know you, but you're reading this right now and something is clicking in your head. Now is the time to bust through this brick wall you've been staring at! Ready.... Set.... GO!

Phrentermine to the Rescue!

Alright, [future] skinny bitches... I just finished my weight lifting exercises for the night. So far, doing treadmill or a higher level cardio one day and weights the next is working out for me... We'll see how it really is after a full week. Now, if I could just get my stress level down, I'll be good to go! Aside from that, phrentimine has worked well for me in the past, so I'm thinking about giving it another go, just for one month, to help with my appetite. I tend to not be hungry during the day, but at night I crave sweets (and anything I can get my hands on for that matter)... so I need to do something about that. *On a side note, everyone needs to go read Mommy Wants Phrentermine Vodka and tell her this crazy bitch sent you her way! She tells it like it is and cracks me up!* Also, the medication helps me stay focused and motivated.
       Anyway. This weekend it was hard for me to workout like I wanted to... I can't force myself to work out when I'm emotionally exhausted. I wish it was as easy as snapping my fingers and make my life change all in one day... Then again, I'm guessing everyone in the world wishes the same thing. No one told us this shit when we were young. No one said, "Hey! If you eat that when you grow up, you'll get fat!" (does that even make sense?). I think I'm rambling now.
       I've considered doing the Susan G. Komen - breast cancer walk here in Georgia. I believe it's in October. But! Here's the deal; it's 60 miles over the coarse of 3 days. Hmm... saying that out loud sounds like a bit too much for me right now.  Maybe I'll try to find a shorter walk. I want to do something and I think within a month or so, I can possibly feel better and be ready to go the distance. Reluctantly crouched at the starting line. Engines pumping and thumping in time. The green light flashes and the flags go up. Churning and burning, they yearn for the cup. Maybe I can do the 60 mile walk next year. I should be more than ready then. Seeing as though I'm trying so hard to find a routine that works so that I can stick with it. I can't say it enough, I'm tired of being this way!
       I really wish I had enough readers to interact with my questions and to share opinions. If you are a current reader, you should share the link with everyone you know. Dammit! Don't you people understand that I need followers in order to take over the world!? We're all just sitting around watching people get bigger and bigger and not doing anything about it. Aren't you tired of that? I'm doing this shit for me, yes, but I'm also doing it for everyone around me! Have you ever just walked around smiling at complete strangers and noticing how they start smiling back? It's because it's human nature to do what we see... We all lead by example, whether in good ways or bad... that if I change my life for the better and convince one person around me to do the same... and then they convince one person... and so on and so forth, then we can slowly change the world... and maybe win the lottery in the process! Weight loss equals lottery winnings... or maybe lottery winnings equal weight loss. Hmm... something to think about until tomorrow.

Send me readers, bitches!

I'm a Loser!

I'm writing this with a shaking arms and legs. Nope, not because of extracurricular activities, but from working out. I can promise you one thing, The Biggest Loser: The Workout - Last Chance Workout will kick your ass! I'm going through, yet another, one of my phases. It's so hard to do this shit when you feel like you have no one to do it with. Sure, I have my man, but he loses weight just as easy as he changes underwear... Here I am, 2 weeks later and haven't lost one fucking pound. That's part of the reason I'm writing this blog is because I want everyone to feel like they have someone to relate to.
I'm very lucky to have a friend that has jumped on this boat with me. She lives almost two hours away, but she came up with a great idea. We call each other every day before and after workouts. I took a picture of myself as soon as I stopped my workout and sent it to her. It would be much easier for the both of us if we lived closer... but at least I have a best friend that can help me stay motivated from miles away (and I'm helping her too).

Does anyone else want to jump on the band wagon? I'm at the stage where half of me wants to give up so badly and just find comfort in the body that I have and just deal with being unhealthy. Simply because I feel like I can't do it. Yet, the other half of me is battling to keep up the motivation because this stops now! I absolutely refuse to stay this way. I'm sick and tired of being so damn uncomfortable in my own skin. I hate looking in the mirror most days... I find myself occasionally thinking about just shoving my fingers down my throat (or not eating at all)... I am human. Just because I said the thought crossed my mind doesn't mean I'm actually going to do it. I love food way too much... I can't say I haven't done it before. My point behind all this is that I want a life change! I'm not just looking to lose 50 pounds because I want a new pair of jeans... I'm doing this to extend my life and my son's. I'm doing this to make all the people that used to give me shit in high school look like fat asses. Well, the ones that haven't done that themselves. I'm going this to look amazing in a wedding dress one day (if it ever comes to that)... to be healthy for future children.
I'm always willing to answer any questions that you want to ask... about anything. If you're out there at a complete loss as to where to begin, start with eating better and walking. Take it one step at a time. If you just jump into doing something full force, you less likely to fully succeed. Once you get your grasp on eating better and walking 30 minutes 3 to 4 times a week... step it up a level. If what you're doing is easy, push yourself just a little harder. We can all do this. Raise your hand if you're sure ready to be a skinny bitch! Also, find me on Facebook by clicking here.... or here... or maybe even here!

I'm [not] Meant to be Fat

      I don't know what I'm doing wrong! I feel like no matter what I do, I'm not making any process. I'm sure there's someone out there that understands my frustrations. Don't tell me your bullshit about "don't look at the scale every day"... "just be patient"... "you'll get there". Screw that! I have never had issues losing weight (once I decide to get off my ass and do it). I typically shed a few pound within the first week and then it a couple pounds every week... but in 3 weeks I have lost absolutely nothing! People are claiming that it's because I'm stressed... Let me tell you something, I wasn't stressed until I started this bullshit.
      I've changed my eating, I've actually done some exercise... I've started writing a damn blog! I mean, seriously? Doesn't blogging make you lose weight too!? Today, I read a blog by Aunt Becky (Mommy Wants Vodka) and she listed the exact reason why I'm doing this blog... You should read it if you're thinking about blogging... Actually, you should just read it. Period. Why I Do What I Do.
      Cookie cutter? Nope. I'm far from it. Normal? Probably not.... But! I am a real girl, with real emotions. I hate the world some times. I cuss entirely too much. I bleed red. I'm not just making all this up. Obesity runs in my family and I'm trying to stop it here. I feel like I constantly have to fight against fat. I feel like the people in my family have given up because they 1) feel like they can't lose it, 2) are "used to it", 3) think they are too old to start losing weight now or 4) don't realize it's killing them. There are a few family members that (I hate to say it) will most likely pass away due to things related to being overweight. It breaks my heart. It frustrates me because it's only getting passed down through the generations. I love my family dearly and I'm so worried about all of them. I'm tired of people being scared to say anything because we're scared of hurting feelings... when instead, we should be more concerned about saving lives. Maybe that's the whole reason behind me writing this blog... It's the "If I can do it, you can do it" mentality. I want to show my son that he doesn't need to turn out lazy and unmotivated like his mom. I want to see my entire extended family get healthy.
       I want to see a happy family... not a depressed one. Even outside of my family... If you are reading this and I don't know you, I'm trying to save you too. It's hard as hell and I know that. When you've been doing something for most of your life, it's hard to change that up. As I've said before, no one ever said life was easy. If a man with no arms or legs can lead a happy life and be a motivational speaker, then why in the hell can people who are fully capable not get off their ass and LIVE.



I hope you just watched that video... If you didn't, click it. Take the 4 minutes to change your life... We can all take 20 minutes out of our days to get healthy and to feel better. Stop the excuses! Just when you think you can't do it... Take a look at this man: (If he can lose 400 pounds, you can lose what you need too!) He started out using things around his house to workout (water jugs, just simply getting up off the couch numerous times...). YOU (WE) CAN DO IT!

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Let's Get Physical!

Ok, ok, ok. I give in! I'm putting the scale out of sight and only weighing once a week (probably Fridays). If I lose something, I can have my one cheat meal... if I don't, then I won't. The reflection in the mirror is really starting to get to me. I have days where I seriously feel like I gain 10 pounds just within that day. I'm sick of feeling this way. I really think part of the reason I'm having problems not losing is because of the stress I'm under with not being able to find a job. I'm also doing horrible at eating enough during the day (or at least the past 3 days I have been). Today, I only managed to eat about 900 cals.... but I didn't snack or anything, so... Even though I didn't eat unhealthy today, I shot my metabolism to hell because I only ate twice today. (Also, I spent the day getting tattooed, so maybe that had something to do with it... my bad.) So... it's a short post. Get over it. Is anyone else having frustrations? At least I'm in a better mood today that I was yesterday, that's a plus.... right? Maybe I get in some good "exercise" tonight. The same kind we talked about before.
Oh, on a side note, the new salads from Wendy's are worth trying... or at least the Apple Pecan Chicken Salad. The only thing I strongly disliked about it was the blue cheese crumbles (because I don't like it, duh), so I'll have them leave that off next time. Other than that, really good and filling. Also, I love my bread... just about any kind of bread. But! One thing I'm going to start doing is if I have to get fast food, get a grilled chicken sandwich, but don't eat the bread... or maybe only one piece? I'm also cutting down on pasta and rice. That hurts to say. I guess I'll see where that gets me. I'll be far better and even more motivated once I start to see the numbers go down... or the pants fit looser... Until then, it's extremely discouraging.

Hm... what else I can I bullshit about to make this longer? Oh. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to make this shit (weight loss, not blogging) easier?! Any tips would be great. Yep. Can't think of anything else, so good night, bitches!

Suck it out!

Today is a frustrating day. The scale isn't budging. I really don't feel like working out 7 days a week, but if that's what it's going to take, I guess I'll have too. I'm not eating as much junk, I'm on the treadmill every other day, drinking more water, and taking diet pills and I'm not seeing any change. This is the part that I normally throw my hands up and say "screw it"! I don't think I'm physically capable of working out every day (we'll see). This weekend, I didn't really do as much as I should have... and that's my fault.
I'm tired of feeling discouraged. Liposuction here I come! Seriously, I'm getting fed up. Yes, I understand, it's only been two weeks, but shit! Shouldn't I see at least some change in the scale or my body? I almost feel like my clothes are tighter some days. I'm going to kick it into high gear this week and if I don't see any change, I'll probably walk into a local Weight Watchers meeting and punch the skinniest one in the face, then walk out. After that, I'll do the RAW diet for 2 weeks... if that doesn't get me anywhere, I don't know what I'll do. See? Is this the shit you wanted to see on the blog? That I'm human too and that this shit is hard and you get pissed off easily? Maybe I should get a stationary bike and pedal on it 24/7. I can even attach a bag to piss in and be good to go! I really think I need a punching bag too... I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I don't know where to go from here. Like I said, this is normally where I give up. I'm one of those people that want instant gratification... even if it's something little... So, it's going to be so hard to keep going, but I'm not stopping. I have to do this! Even if that means I bitch, gripe and moan every single day. I think it would really help me out if I had more people in this with me. So, if you are following this blog, please start leaving comments. I'll motivate you if you motivate me. It sucks ass to feel like I'm doing this by myself. Ok. While I'm nice and frustrated, I might as well go get on the stupid fucking treadmill.

Nosophobia

It's Saturday, and it's so much harder to post daily than I thought it would be. It doesn't help that I stay up late, so I typically end up posting after midnight to begin with, but then if I'm busy doing other things, it gets complicated. Last night, after I got home from running errands all day, the internet wasn't working. Bastards.
Yesterday, I had to get out of this house! Since I don't have a "real" job or a vehicle that actually works, I'm getting cabin fever... Guess what happens when you have cabin fever? You eat because you're bored! You also get depressed and go a bit crazy! (No, I'm not talking about the shitty movie made a few years ago.) So, aside from the sweating I did from the heat, again, I was very productive. But! Today! I got up, did some housework and gave Couch to 5K a test run. It really hurts my ankle and knee, but I'm going to push through it and hope it gets better with time (and not that it really screws something up). I feel like I really need to go to the doctor and get a physical done. I hate doctors because I have a fear of bad news. Only a little, not a huge fear that overtakes my life. I just have a lot of medical things that run in my family. Hence, another reason I'm trying to get healthy. I'd love to inspire them to do the same, but when you have been doing something for most of your life... yeah. Anyway.
I sat down this morning an tried to make a video to put on youtube. That's so awkward. It looks like it would be easy, but it's not. I don't even know if I have enough viewers to post videos... then again, if I post, maybe more people would see it and read the blogs. Maybe I should just shut up, post one and deal with it. It would be nice to go viral like some of the other stupid ass videos.
I hate this because I actually don't have the patience to sit down and write today, because I would rather be up and doing something instead of being stuck at the computer. So, forgive me for a super short post. I have better things to do! Besides, the less time I spend writing, the less time you'll spend reading and maybe the more we'll both get off our ass and get skinny. Of course, that doesn't mean I want you to stop reading the blogs. I'm slowly trying to control your mind and take over the world.
*Leave a comment and let me know what you want see in the videos... and I'm not showing my bewbs.*

Stress? Elephant Poo!

My day was spent watching my man cut grass. Yes, that's right. You think I'm bullshitting you, but I'm not. My day was also spent with a headache. When we got home, I had to cook and now, my body is too sore to workout. Shit like that irritates me. I hate to hurt. I also hate to sound like a hypochondriac when I complain about this shit. (I already dealt with a few people like that in my life and hated every second of it).... *light bulb* And there we have it. Something for me to bitch about for a second. I cannot stand people who do stupid shit for attention. Don't they realize that them trying to make their life seem so horrible only make people dislike them? Obviously, not. Then, they run away to some foreign island somewhere, to get "treated" for over a year. Yeah... If you missed that story, you should swing on over to my other blog and check that out.... click here. (strong language... can't say I didn't warn you).
On to more important things that actually deserve my time... Are penguins plotting to take over the world? I think they are. More and more of them are becoming famous. I mean, look at how many starred in March of the Penguins or what about Happy Feet. They're cute. Just cute enough to overtake the world. Someone also asked, 'Why are asteroids in the hemisphere, and hemorrhoids in an ass'? Another good question. I'm going to start calling my butt-rhoids, asteroids. Hell, maybe I'll name them one day if they get big enough and do away with the confusion all together. Don't even get my started on organized religion. That's a whole other blog....
Alright, kids, fo' cereal. Let's talk about stress. Stress is such a huge factor when it comes to weight loss. We've all heard this a million times before, yet what do we do when the scales aren't doing what we want them to? Stress. What do some (if not most) of us do when we stress? Eat. I have no problem telling other people how to control their stress, but never follow my own instruction (with anything). Whether you like it or not, you have to find time for yourself during the day. Even if it's just a few minutes. Don't give me that bullshit about "I work a full time job and 43 kids".... You can always find a few minutes to yourself and if you claim you can't, you aren't trying to find time. Even if you have to set your alarm clock 10 minutes early and force yourself to get up before everyone else... Grab your coffee, tea, milk, OJ (the actual juice, not the killer), whatever and step outside. Take in 10 deep breaths and know that no matter what you face today, you can take it! If you can't do it in the morning, wait until the kids are in bed and instead of watching some ridiculous reality TV show or jumping on the computer, go outside and listen to the sounds of the night (unless you live in the ghetto and hear gunshots, then stay inside and cover your head with a pillow - or four)... Another huge stress reliever is Think Positively! A book I think every one needs to read, is The Secret. (I'll post a link) This book will change your life. I actually need to pick it up and read it again. I'm not a religious person, and this book actually taught me things. If you are thinking negative, you are a magnet for negative... same goes for positive thinking. If you're the type of person to sit around and point out everything bad in your life... guess what? It's only going to get worse. If you make it a habit each day (and I really need to take my own advice here) to sit down with a pen and paper and write down everything positive in your life, you'll notice things start to fall in place and more good things start happening. Each week, your lists will get longer and better. When you feel like stress eating, grab and pen and get to writing. (Or start your own blog). Vomit all the negative onto the page and then follow it up with positive. I know, I'm being repetitive. Get over it. You'll eventually listen to me and know that I'm right. 
Some of you have people that drive you insane on a daily basis. I bet I can make that easier to deal with too. This will completely contradict what I just said above, but you'll only need to "sin" for a couple days to get over it. Every day, when you see or think about that person (or people), picture them running somewhere and their foot catches on a small, yet noticeable, object! Slowly, they fall to the ground.... letting out a long (slow motion) "NnnoOOoOoooooOooo" only to have their face land in a pile of elephant shit... in their favorite outfit. If that doesn't put a smile on your face and make that person easier to handle, I don't know what to tell you. Just make sure to go home that night and write your positives, you should be just fine. So, I say Screw Stress! You just have to find your ways around it. I'll talk more about this in other blogs... so don't think you've heard the last of it.

Fat Girls Can Run

I've been watching a few of my youtubers lately and sxephil has started a weight loss blog. Well, he started it almost 50 days ago, but you can easily catch up. He's calling his "Project: Lose an Olsen Twin" (aka #PLOT on twitter) (His twitter - follow him). Anyway, the point behind that was he mentioned "Couch to 5k" in one of his vlogs, so I decided to check it out. With my ankle, I was cautious to start it... but guess which one of your favorite lazy asses will start that on Sunday? Yep, that's right! Me. So, if you want to click the link and do the program with me, we'll see if it works. The first week will obviously kick your ass, especially if you're as out of shape as most people, including myself. Last time I tried to run/jog, my ankle popped and hurt like a bitch for a week (Note to self: wear enough support!). I'm seriously going to see if I can follow through with it.
As far as my "normal" routine... I'm trying to walk for a minimum of 35 minutes at least 3 times a week. On top of that, I try to do crunches and either upper body or lower body. Let me just tell you, I hate hate hate my thighs, stomach and side-boob fat.. oh, and the arm fat. I guess you could just say I hate my body right now. While writing this, I actually feel motivated to get on the treadmill, but it's 1:30 in the morning and it's probably a bit late to be doing that. Shit.
I would love for people to follow my blog and interact. After all, if I can motivate more people, it will only make me work harder. Remember, we talked about that co-dependent crap already. Also, feel free to ask questions. If you want to know anything, don't hesitate to ask (either through a comment or email blogyourassoff@yahoo.com) I know this is a short one, but I have another blog for tomorrow.... today... whatever. *I need a good catch phrase.... isn't that how people get famous?

Facebook IV and Drag Queen Makeover

Yesterday wasn't very eventful, and let me tell you why. I have issues, we've already determined, with laziness. Facebook is evil... but I love it so much! I get up, sign on and then get sucked it. We're all being brainwashed! I know there's millions of you that feel the way I do. As a society, we all fear that we're going to miss something, so we sign up for all these social networks and refresh 478 times a minute so we don't miss a status update, or new photo. Why in the hell are we all so nosy!? I think some people would gladly have a Facebook IV if it were possible. And we wonder why we're getting fatter and fatter. You would think with me writing this, I would be completely against the computer, but hell no! In this day and age, we really do need the computer because we don't use our brains much anymore. If I spent half as much time working out as I do on the computer or watching TV, I would be one bad ass looking bitch! On a side note, it pisses me off that applying for jobs is such a pain in the ass these days. We are slowly but surely working towards losing verbal communication. Let me explain where I'm going with this. While applying for jobs, everything is online  and you typically have to fill out a "personality assessment" which take you an hour to complete. So, I have to sit and waste so much time out of my day filling out these fucking applications! In a matter of 8 hours, I can only complete 8-10 of them! That's a full day of work and the entire time, I'm sitting on my ass... not because I want to, but because I have to! So, there you have it, my rant about yesterday.

I really think that I need to get a group of drag queens to give me a makeover! They are so fabulous! Besides, most of them are gorgeous and could teach me a few things. I envy them. Don't judge me. -(1 hour later)- I forgot where I was going with that. I literally just got off the treadmill! Holy shit! Let me just tell you something, if I can do this, you can do this! I really wanted to give up 5 minutes into this one. Seriously. I have found a way to keep going. I touched on short-term goals in the last blog but didn't really go into much detail. The way I keep myself going on the treadmill is I turn on a TV show and tell myself "go until the next commercial" and then when those commercials come on I say "ok, I can make it to the next commercial... so on and so on. That may not work for everyone. Also, cover up the time on the treadmill... otherwise, you'll only make it seem longer on yourself if you continuously look at the time. Another thing you can do is pop in your favorite CD and try walking through the entire thing. You can do it!
So, pull out the Facebook IV, get off your ass (unless you're working or filling out applications, or writing blogs), and get up and do something! It can be done. Future Skinny Bitches, Unite!

I Should Get a Bumper Sticker for This Thing...

I actually achieved something today! Woo hoo! I walked on the treadmill for 37 minutes (and would have kept going had I not needed to go somewhere), even though I wanted to give up 10 minutes into it. Maybe I can get out of this fat girl routine. I feel motivated, let's hope it lasts.
It happened again, I had something good to write, got sucked in to this freakin TV and completely forgot. Dammit. I'll just ramble for a minute until I figure it out. I'm trying to think of goals to accomplish, and hopefully complete them. Maybe small ones, because I get distracted easily (obviously). Something like, walk 10 miles this week. Drink 10 gallons of water. Get laid 72 times a day (yes I said 'day'). Walk every day, even if it's just for 15 minutes. Lose the amount of a small child by Christmas (even though I'm better with short term goals, I think). Find a fabulous bumper sticker for this big ass of mine. Be able to go for an hour on the treadmill in a week. Win the lottery and just be fat and rich.... or pay someone to make me skinny.
So, I saw the movie, Despicable Me and it was a good one. My son loved it. It also made me realize I need about 500 minions of my own. I don't really know what point I had to mentioning that... but maybe tomorrows post will be better. Good night!

Feel free to send suggestions, questions, money donations... whatever to blogyourassoff@yahoo.com

Eating Makes You Skinny... er.

For the past two days I've had issues. Well, I have issues everyday, but that's beside the point. I keep forgetting to eat! I wake up, get busy with what I'm doing and before I know it, it's 11:00 at night and I'm wondering why I'm hungry. I know, I'm an idiot. I don't know why in the hell I do that. Maybe I swallowed an anorexic and she's inside trying to control me? It confuses that HELL out of me, because any other day and I would be moaning and bitching all day about "I'm hungry. I want something sweet. Food, food, food!"... Now that I'm actually trying to eat healthy and get in 5 small meals a day, I can't seem to eat just one! Dammit. Not even going to lie, I really thought the best part about the lifestyle change I chose to make was the fact that this fat girl would get to eat 5 times a day! I thought to myself, Hell yes! I can eat all day long and lose weight? Life is good!
Apparently, there's a book called made just for me! (and you) and we should try it. I had never heard of it until someone commented on my facebook page (click that shit) about it. I plan on getting it and giving it a shot! There's several other products too... I'll post them in the blog as well. It cracks me up! There's a book for guys (I'm assuming) called Skinny Bastard. A recipe book, Skinny Bitch in the Kitch: Kick-Ass Recipes for Hungry Girls Who Want to Stop Cooking Crap (and Start Looking Hot!)- Come on! That so sounds like something I would say! I think this bitch is probably my long lost sister. Oh, and I just found this: Skinny Bitchin': A "Get Off Your Ass" Journal to Help You Change Your Life, Achieve Your Goals, and Rock Your World!... I wonder if there's a huge combo deal? I'll have to look into that and let you know. *Sorry for all the links. I just want to supply you guys with information that I find.* I know this isn't much of an update, but it's 6 minutes before midnight and I told everyone it would be posted.
My routine: (starting tomorrow)
-Wake up, drink a bottle of water (16.9oz) and take my SlimQuick, drink another bottle of water (2).
I should probably take a piss before drinking that much water, but that's optional.
-Walk on the treadmill (or outside) for at least 30 minutes. Drink a bottle of liquor water (3).
You won't see my ass outside in 100* weather! 
-Work on arms and/or legs - depending on the day.
I'll alternate days... in case you're too slow to figure that out.
-Do something to work out my abs. Drink water (4).
I'm thinking all of this should last somewhere around an hour.
.... go about my daily business ... while drinking at least 3 bottles of water.
-Around 8pm, get back on the treadmill or go outside and walk quickly for 30 minutes.
You got it! Drink water (8).

I guess I'll see how that goes... Hopefully, I'll see some progress by next week. What is everyone doing? Are you just one of those people being just as lazy as I am, just reading my blogs, but not actually doing anything? It's ok, I don't blame you. haha
Provide me with some feedback and what you would like to see on this blog.
G'night [future] SB!

If You Insist!

There are so many things going on in this world... Whoopi says "fuck". Somewhere a housewife [from NYC or some shit] had a baby. Apparently, there's a few people in this world looking for love. Oh, and let's not forget about the fact that a bunch of people can live in a house surrounded by cameras. Most importantly, Beavis & Butthead are coming back on air. You may be asking yourself what my point is...? Well, I'll tell you. Everyone worries too much about what everyone else is doing and what celebrity did what. Start worrying about you and your own family! I want to know where all the "I'm a fat ass and need to lose weight" shows are! We have plenty of "I already have enough money, but I really want a skinny bitch/muscley douche bag to fall in lust love with" because I'm too busy to find it myself. Sure, we have The Biggest Loser and Dance Your Ass Off (which by the way, I had completely forgotten about when I named this damn blog! Shit.), but I can't really think of anything else. If we had more shows like that motivated people to lose weight, maybe we wouldn't be an overweight, dying country. Maybe they need me to host one of these shows! Sorry, I'm just getting frustrated. I had to get that off my chest. Dammit.


Alright, I think I'm done with that (for now). Today was actually a rough day for me. I woke up with my back in a lot of pain, so I decided to get on The Total Gym and work my legs a little. Then, as the rain came pouring down, I grabbed my camera and ran outside! (That's exercise, right?) I spent a couple hours chasing two teenage girls (that's definitely exercise!). Wait, let me rephrase that. I don't want to sound like a lesbian cougar (not that there's anything wrong with that). I spent a couple hours taking photos of two young ladies in the rain and water. All went well.... until we left. I realized that I had not eaten all day. Leave it to a fellow fat girl to force me to have Taco Bell. She was paying, how could I resist!? That would just be rude! But! The way I look at it, I was stupid and didn't eat the entire day... so I needed something... That just happened to be Taco Bell. I didn't stuff as much in my face as I normally do, that counts, right? Don't worry, I'm fully prepared to bust ass tomorrow (and possibly later tonight) with real workouts! While I do that, you do this:

A Mouse & Cheese

This is technically for yesterday and today. I was really busy and didn't have a chance to post.... blah, blah there's no need to go into that bullshit. You're ready for the blog, right?
So, Wednesday was decent. I've slept since then, so really don't remember what all I did. Dammit. I knew I should have done this last night. Um.... ok, ok think. Um... I woke up (that's a plus), uh.. oh, I had a banana which was good. Oh! I'm a dumb ass, now I remember what I did. I went to the pool and then to a friends house. Sorry, I should have warned everyone from the beginning, I'm so fucking forgetful. While I'm thinking about it, everyone needs to go buy Kick-Ass. It's not what you think it is, but I'm sure you'll like it! (Click the link to the left to purchase it). Ok, where was I? Oh. Banana, pool, friend, home, watched movie, go to bed.

Today, I woke up again with.... well, you probably don't want to know what really woke me up, but we'll call it exercise. Then, I had a banana and fruit with water. Skinny bitch, here I come! I've also tried to keep up with eating healthy. I'm going to start a workout soon. Which, with my gimp ass leg, it's hard to find one that won't hurt me. I'm thinking about Jillian Michaels - 30 Day Shred. Has anyone else tried that? Keep in mind, the only shape I'm in is round! I need something I can work through without it fucking killing me. I think if I can get 10 pounds of blubber off by the end of the month, maybe that will motivate me more. Grr! I hate the bastards that can just sit around and lose weight. Or what about those people that claim to be fat when they weigh all of maybe 110... yep, I want to punch all of them in the face. If I hang one of "them" in front of my treadmill (like a mouse with cheese), I'll possibly lose it quicker. Maybe I'll try that. Don't worry, if I do, I'll take pictures.
Until tomorrow, [future] skinny bitches!

Lose Weight with Photography!

I'm posting this late today because I had a busy day.... Deal with it. It may be a short blog, but who knows.

If I had balls, I definitely would have sweat them off today! Let me tell you something, I absolutely... cannot, under any circumstances, stand to sweat! When you have big boobs like me, the first thing to happen it boob sweat. Yes, it sounds just as disgusting as it is. Ladies, I know you know what I'm talking about! Men, it's so much worse than ball sweat [unless you wear spandex underwear on a daily basis]. Anyway, enough about that, for now.
So, as much as I wanted to eat a full grown cow today, I resisted. I also wanted to hook up an IV of chocolate... but again, I didn't give in. Instead, I drank about two gallons of water... literally. I also had a tuna sammich (yes, I'm aware I misspelled that, dumbass) with mustard instead of mayo. Blah, blah, blah... I didn't eat nearly enough today. My metabolism is never going to get better if I don't start eating like I should. I also bought all of my favorite fruits from the grocery store tonight. No wonder America is fat, healthy food costs to damn much! I mean, seriously! I think it's a form of population control.
Alright, I'm getting to the point. I'm a photographer... without a studio. I typically photograph everything outdoors, or in the comfort of your home... In other words, it really blows ass in the Summer time. I live in Georgia (also known as the 5th level of Hell). *I don't care if it's hotter where you live, I hate it and I can complain about it if I want to* So, when I'm outside running around like crazy, with 30-40 pounds of extra fat on me, I'm miserable! I love my job so much... but trust me, there's a reason why walrus's just lay around and don't do shit. The best part about it, I think I lost about 4 pounds of water today. Hey, all I said was I wanted to be a skinny bitch! I didn't say how I was going to do it. I love food too much to be anorexic and I hate the smell of vomit (especially on a hot day), so I can't be bulimic... So, I guess I'm stuck with doing actual work. Dammit! Now, if only I could get a session every day and call that my workout and get paid to do it, I'd be set!
I'm pretty sure that's all I have to say for now. See you tomorrow!

Is there anyone else trying to lost weight right now?

Adventures with Jack

I really didn't feel like writing anything today because nothing interesting really happened... but, I know myself. If I start this "I really don't feel like it" bullshit now, then I'll continue to do it. I wish I could tell you something completely kick ass... Like, I woke up this morning to a living room full of chimps slinging poo at one another and I had to call my bff, Jack Sparrow, to stop them. After that, we had an excellent lunch of sushi and beer and came back to my place and ravished each other. Yeah... it didn't happen. In all honesty, I spent most of my day on the computer looking for jobs and various ways of making money. Too bad I'm getting too old to be an escort. Too young to be a cougar that could find some rich college frat boy and steal his daddy's money. I thought about becoming a clother (get paid to put clothes on instead of stay nude) because I could make a killing at that. Unless there are some chubby chasers in there, then I'm screwed.
I'm starting my workouts tomorrow. Hopefully my ankle will fall off, I'll at least lose 5 pounds that way. I think the best way for me to get started (again) will be to pop in a workout DVD and sweat my ass off once or twice a day. I'll continue to drink more water. As of right now, I'm drinking around eight 16.9oz bottles a day. I've heard that you're supposed to get your weight and divide it by 2 (ex-680lbs/2=360) and drink that many (360) ounces a day. That could just be a load of horse shit, but it sounds good to me, so I'm going with it. No, I don't weigh 680, get that out of your head. So, technically, I only need to drink around 5 bottles a day, but I want to stay nice and hydrated. Holy shit, that just got really boring. My bad. I guess I'm just going to leave you all wondering what else I was going to say........... I can hear Jack calling me to bed.
Good night [future] skinny bitches!

Shut up, Fat!

Ok, I'll admit it, I took advantage of today. The fat part of me wanted one more day to shove as much bad shit down my throat before I started busting ass. After all, what in the hell was I thinking starting a diet on a weekend!? As of midnight tonight, no more junk! So, I should probably hurry up and finish this amazing Cherry Dr. Pepper blended float, huh? It's so damn good! I can't help it. Maybe I should have called this blog "Mommy Needs Sweets" (only to be inspired by the fabulous Aunt Becky of Mommy Wants Vodka).
Shit! I hate it when I think of something good to write and I sit down and forget it all. I guess I could go in to the fact that I have a son who will soon be 10 years old and it's time I set a good example for him.
I have several things fighting against me when it comes to weight loss.
1. Laziness. That's my own fault. I'm fully aware of that. Again, part of the reason I started this blog is to give myself a project and a way to track my changes.
2. Being a woman. Men, shut the fuck up! It's true that women have a harder time than men do.
3. My body. I've had a couple wrecks that make it very difficult to live life on a daily basis without hurting, much less working out. I have a metal plate and screws in my ankle that hurts 24/7 which make walking for 30 minutes a pain in my ass (literally), but I have to do it. Be prepared, I'll most likely bitch a lot about it.
4. My love affair with sweets. Yep, it's true. I love just about anything sweet. I'm very surprised that my son didn't slide out of the birth canal being addicted to candy.
5. Genes. My entire family has trouble with weight. We can't help it that our ancestors raised some of the best cooks in the world! I'm a Southern girl and we love food.
6. Excuses. I'm full of them! That's pretty self explanatory.
7. Co-dependent. I can't motivate myself most of the time (until now). I didn't use to be that way. I guess being an ex-addict has something to do with that. Who knows?
Alright - those are the things I'm bringing to the table. I feel as though I'm extremely jumbled throughout this blog, but whatever. It is what it is. Maybe I'll touch on a few more things later on.

Is there anything you would like to see me write about in the blog? Do you have a question you'd like for me to answer? Have any advice for me? Feel free to send an email to blogyourassoff@yahoo.com

Tomorrow is a new day. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this!